Kevin Delaney's Dilemma

by Andrew J. Müller

Still no matter how hard he tried
Kevin Delaney could not get inside
His gut was too big now to fit in the door
It hung past his kness and dragged on the floor
But Kevin was not one to give up so quick
He stuck his hands down his throat to make himself sick
But puke as he might for all he was worth
It made bugger all difference to his massive girth
He had tried eating lettuce and various things green
But it just made his farts smell like something obsence
He had dieted, exercised, tried all of that
But nothing he tried could get rid of his fat
He had a weakness for sweeties, choccys, et al
Mr Whippy was a mate, Mr Kipling his best pal
He had been called fatty, a lardball, podgy, a tub
But this was the first time he couldn't get into the pub
He got to the door and tried to push himself inside
But found that his gut and his bum were too wide
Panic then set in and Kevin started to shiver
Which made all his chins and his belly quiver
What have I done, he thought, to deserve this embarrassment
Isn't it enough I have to put up with thin people's harrassment?
So he pushed and he shoved just as hard as he could
But he couldn't get past that damned frame of wood
So after a while Kevin came to a thought
The off-licence down the road - the beer can be bought
And maybe I can pick up a kit-kat or two
A Mars bar, a topic, or something that's new
With calories galore - hundreds in each bite
So perhaps he could still make something of tonight
So at home he gorged - chocolate tonnage to drown his sorrow
He would get bigger he know - but he'd start his diet tomorrow.

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